Death By Sequences The True Story Musical of How Leah Michelle Died,
by EpicDivaPie
Summary: The Crew of Serenity have been unemployed for a while now. Great musical turmoil ensues when Katniss and Lisbeth hire them to get rid of a body, Jane Eyre ensnares Jayne Cobb's heart, and copious amounts of glitter fall from the rafters. Katniss Everdeen/Lisbeth Salander, Jane Eyre/Jayne Cobb, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Mal/Inara, The Weasley Twins/Kaylee, Simon being angsty.


"Death By Sequences"

The True Story Musical of How Leah Michelle Died, and How Harvey Firestein Was There and Wrote A Musical About It.

Dedication: This is a love song medley to all things fandom. This is also a love song to pop culture, pop music, rock opera, slam poetry, **Musical Nerds**, people who watch Glee, Leonard in Community, spontaneity, things with genders, things without genders, glitter glue, feather boas, Science Fiction, the Scottish Play, letting go, Rogers & Hammerstein, people who bring actors their meals … This is a musical for those who know Musicals. It is also a musical for those who know the true meaning of life and how life is like a box of chocolates, especially if they are all the same, like if you buy a box of hedgehogs. They are all gonna taste the same. Unless one gets moldy: EMBRACE THE MOLD.

Dedicated to: Sir Winston Churchill

ACT 1

SCENE 1

_The stage lights up on a mostly NAKED stage. The lighting suggests a forest setting and birds chirp happily from far off. ENTER LIZBETHER SALANDER pulling a body bag with great difficulty. Her hair is black and spiky, but the spikes are off kilter and she is missing one of her combat boots. Her mouth is bloody; suggesting one of her many piercings has been ripped out. She pulls the body to STAGE CENTRE and drops the legs down unceremoniously. She lights a cigarette and puffs moodily. Suddenly KATNISS EVERDEEN enters. She carries her bow, and quiver, her hair is braided_.

KATNISS What do we do now?

LISBETH …

KATNISS Come ooon! You have more experience with dead bodies than I do.

LISBETH (_Glares at KATNISS and drops her cigarette and stomps it out wih her bare foot.)_ God, she was annoying. Her mouth was the size of a mutant grapefruit with unicorn genes.

KATNISS Yeah, I know. . . Ugh, and her character in Glee was just SO inconsistent Unicorn jeans? That would look good on you.

LISBETH I mean genes. Not jeans. And anyway, I don't do anything pretty, happy, and I would kill a man with kerosene and a match before I wear anything with a unicorn on it.

KATNISS That's your problem, Lisbeth. You just won't change! I try so hard to change but all you do is stare at stuff moodily and wear black all the time. You won't even try my Bow! I though you like stuff that kills other stuff! I thought that's why we were perfect together! (_Music begins_.)

TAKE ME OR KILL ME

LISBETH EVERY SINGLE DAY,

I WALK DOWN THE STREET

I HEAR PEOPLE SAY BABY WHO'S THAT FREAK

AND THANKS TO PUBERTY EVERYBODY STARES AT ME

BOYS, GIRLS I CAN'T HELP IT BABY

SO BE KIND AND DON'T LOSE YOUR MIND

JUST REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT CRAZY

TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM

WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE

AND IF YOU GIVE A DAMN,

TAKE ME BABY OR KILL ME

NO WAY CAN I BE WHAT I'M NOT

BUT HEY I KNOW THAT MOCKINGJAY IS HOT

DON'T SHOOT

DON'T LOOSE YOUR BOW

'CAUSE I'M DYING TO BE YOUR HACKING HOE

KATNISS It won't work!

I LOOK BEFOR I LEAP

I LOVE ARCHERY AND DICIPLINE

I SHOOT BIRDS IN MY SLEEP

BABY WHAT'S MY SIN

NEVER MISS I FOLLOW THROUGH

AND IT'S CLEAR MY ARROW HAS HIT YOU

WHAT TO DO WITH MY IMPROMTU BABY

TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM

WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE

AND IF YOU GIVE A DAMN,

TAKE ME BABY OR KILL ME

TOGETHER THAT'S IT

YOU KNOW WE AIN'T GOING BACK

CAN'T QUIT

YOUR ARROW IS THE HEART I'VE HACKED

WOOOOOO WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU?

CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU OR WITHOUT YOU—

LISBETH Look, we have a dead body here.

KANTNISS (_Upset_) OK. What do we do?

LISBETH I know just the man.

_Lights fade, end of SCENE 1_

SCENE 2

_The interior of Serenity sets the stage. CAPTAIN MEL stares uncomfortably at JANE EYRE who sits gracefully on a chair. JAYNE circles with a puzzled look on his face as he scratches his head with his pistol._

MEL So, where'd you come from, again?

JANE I told you, Thornfeild.

JAYNE Sounds prickly.

JANE (_Indignantly_.) It is nothing of the sort.

MEL Ok, so where every your from, I guess it don't matter. How did you get here?

JANE I don't know. All I recollect is listening to the carrying on of a gypsy woman and the next thng I know I am in … This … Household. (Looks around with evident distaste.)

MEL Now hold up here, don't you go insulting Serenity. She keeps us up here and safe in this God Forsaken universe.

JAYNE You one of Inara's types.

JANE I beg your pardon?

MEL Now, now, I ain't tryin' to be mean at all but your not one of them risky women types are you?

JAYNE (_Hopefully_) Are you?

JANE I would never even consider it if what I recollection is correct. How dare you question me so!

JAYNE Dammit. What's your name?

JANE Jane.

JAYNE Whut? No I mean YOUR name.

JANE It's Jane, Jane Eyre.

MEL Your name is Jane?

JAYNE That's my name.

JANE An unusual name for a gentlemen, no less.

JAYNE I ain't no gentleman.

JANE Yes, it does not take a wise man to see that.

MEL You, Miss, need to watch your place.

JANE I will do nothing of the sort. I fear the two of you will violate me so I must conjure up my singing voice and let you know how I feel about such atrocious manners.

MEL Well, damn, I sure as hell ain't singin'. Have at 'er Jayne. (_Exit MEL_).

_A the music begins JAYNE looks around frantic at the noise. He holds his gun and aims it towards the noise._

JAYNE What the hell is that?

JANE Music and glamour time. One mustn't resist it. Just go with your feelings.

JAYNE I ain't into that touchy feely crap.

_Enter HARVEY FIRESTEIN with feather boas. _

HARVEY Let's see the magic! WEEEEEEEE!

_(Music begins and the CREW OF FIREFLY and THE WEASLEY TWINS appear and stand on the balconies_.)

JANE Dearlingest darlingest Rochester,

JAYNE Mom,

TOGETHER

THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION OVER ROOMING HERE IN SPACE

JANE (_Stands sharply_)

BUT OF COURSE I'LL USE MY BRAIN

JAYNE (_stares at Jane's woman parts)_

I MIGHT JUST … AHEM… RISE ABOVE IT

WEASLEY TWINS (_shout from the balcony_) OR RISE INSIDE IT! (_They do the Troy and Abed handshake.)_

JANE AND JAYNE

FOR I THINK THAT'S HOW YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND

CAST OF FIRFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS

YES.

TOGETHER

THERE'S BEEN SOME CONFUSION FOR YOU SEE MY NAMESAKE IS

JANE

UNUSUALLY, INECEEDINGLY PECULIAR AND ALL

TOGETHER QUITE IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE.

JAYNE

HUH?

JANE

WHAT IS THIS FEELING SO SUDDEN AND NEW.

JAYNE

I FELT THE MOMENT I LOOKED AT YOUR BOOBS

JANE

MY PULSE IS RUSHING

JAYNE

MY HEAD IS REELING

JANE

MY FACE IS FLUSHING

BOTH

WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

FERBID AS A FLAME

DOES IT HAVE A NAME

YES! LUSTING

UNADULTERATED LUSTING

JAYNE

FOR YOUR FACE

JANE

YOUR VOICE

JAYNE

IMAGINING YOU WITH NO CLOTHING

BOTH

LET'S JUST SAY— I WANT IT ALL

EVERY LITTLE TRAIT HOW EVER SMALL

MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL

WITH SIMPLE UTTER LUSTING

THERE'S A STRANGE EXILERATION

IS THERE SPACE HERE FOR MASTERBATION?

IT'S SO PURE SO STRONG

THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST

BY LOOKING AT YOU I KNOW YOU'LL LAST

AND I'LL BE LUSTING

LUSTING YOU

MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!

CREW OF FIREFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS (_Dancing_)

SEXUAL TENSION, YOU ARE JUST TO CRUEL

HOW CAN THEY STAND IT I DON'T THINK I COULD

IT'S A MEANIE IT'S A BUTTHEAD

SUCH GOOD MANNERS GET YOU NO WHERE

INARA (_Indignant_)

WELL, THESE THING ARE SENT TO TRY US

_(There is a pause and THE WEASLEY TWINS laugh loudly.)_

JANE AND JAYNE

WHAT IS THIS FEELING SO SUDDEN AND NEW

JAYNE

I FELT THE MOMENT I LOOKED AT YOUR BOOBS

BOTH

MY PULSE IS RUSHING

MY HEAD IS REELING

OH WHAT IS THIS FEELING

DOES IT HAVE A NAME

YESS

AAAH

LUSTING

CREW OF FIREFLY AND WEASLEY TWINS

LUSTING FOR YOU

MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!

JANYE (Pinches JANE'S butt) BOO!

JANE

AH!

_(Characters pause in tableau, and the lights dim. A spotlight lands on INARA. She looks up at the audience.)_

INARA Yes who is it?

LISBETH Inara, it's Libeth Salander!

INARA Umm …

LISBETH You know … The girl with the dragon tattoo?

INARA Oh! Libeth! How good of you to call. How may I be of service to you again?

LISBETH … Well, um, no THAT kind of service. We, uh, have a body.

INARA Yes, I know you do. I remember it well.

LISBETH NO! Not, that I mean … Like … A dead one.

INARA … Oh. How did that happen?

LIBETH I don't have time to explain. Listen is your Captain around? I have a problem. I need it solved. I also have money. Lots of it.

INARA Um, well—

_( spotlight turns off and light come on full again. They chat for a moment and then INARA shouts: _

WE HAVE A JOB!

THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS

YAY!

MEL Are dead bodies involved?

INARA Yes.

MEL and JAYNE Are women involved?

INARA Well, yes.

MEL A job! HUZZAH

THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS

HUZZAH!

MEL

My life without a job … It's been tough. Unemployment, you'll not get the best of me. For I know TOMORROW will bring a brighter day. Filled with cash, and change and MONEY! Tomorrow, yes!

TOMORROW

MEL

THE CASH WE WILL GET

TOMORROW

BET YOUR BOTTOM (_slaps his butt cheek_ _flamboyantly_) DOLLAR

THAT TOMORROW

WE'LL BE RICH

KALEY

JUST THINKIN' ABOUT

TOMORROW

MAKES ME GLAD THAT

I'LL NO MORE HAVE TO BORROW

SIMON'S PANTS

PREACHER

WHEN I'M STUCK WITH A DAY

I'LL PRAY

TO JESUS

I JUST THROW UP MY 'FRO

AND SHOW

TODAY

THE CREW OF FIREFLY, JANE AND THE WEASLEY TWINS

WE'RE GONNA BE RICH

TOMORROW

LIFE'S A BITCH BUT YOUR LUCK CAN CHANGE

TOMORROW

PLEASE DON'T DELAY

TOMORROW TOMORROW

WE'LL GET CASH

TOMORROW

OUR FORTUNE'S A DAY

AWAY!

(_Lights dim. End SCENE 2.)_


End file.
